[He knows that his heart should not be thundering the way it does when Jin comes closer, uttering words that should frighten him.
This is the dance they often do, it is the first force that propelled them towards each other, and as sad and disappointed as he is in this moment, Asher enjoys it.]
They killed him, Jin.
[His world has fallen apart more than once, and this is the final straw. The white picket fences and ostentatious walls of his childhood home had come crumbling down in his father's study, and the tiny corner of campus that he had so desperately wanted to be his own, the classmates he wanted to be his family, they have been ruined too.
But when Jin touches him with the warmth of someone who loves him unconditionally, despite knowing every terrible thing he has ever done, Asher does not quite mind being broken.
It is in part what keeps the shaolin here, after all, and as ashamed as the law student might be to admit it, he likes being saved.]
And I was there, probably.
I was there that night, I went to yell at 'em, after the bonfire, I was drunk-
[He recalls how his knuckles hurt after throttling that door.]
Connor's car was in the driveway, but nobody answered.
[It happened then.
It happened then, and he had been powerless to stop it.
[He can't help it. He's never been able to, not since the day they met. Asher, who'd risk life and limb if only to see him smile; Asher who would love him wholeheartedly and without qualification, maybe even more than he'd love himself-- is it any wonder that Jin would want to give his all to keep him safe, too? His fingers entwine with Asher's, meeting his eyes in a disbelieving stare.
A million questions swim through Jin's mind at once. He exhales heavily, free hand pulling his hair out of his eyes to drape over one of his shoulders. He could ask for motive. He could ask of the victim. Hell, he could ask for the details of the whole bloody business of the murder if he were remotely interested. But everything seems to spin away as Jin hones in on one discrete, horrifying realization:
It could've easily been Asher that night.
The thought terrifies him, and he grips Asher's hand tight, as if to reassure himself that the man he loves is in one piece.]
You're sure Connor wouldn't lie about this? [he murmurs, as low as if the man were feet away.
If he was able to help kill a man under Asher's nose, Jin's not so sure how much he can, or should, be trusted.]
[His gaze darts towards those calloused hands again, Asher's thumb brushing over the fingers.
Dying for Jin would require no second thought, he'd easily give his own life to ensure the other's survival.
For some reason, fear is not the strongest emotion he feels towards his classmates. He knows full well that Connor is someone he could easily best in combat, and judging from the bearded pretty boy's panicky attitude, the decision was not his to make.]
Yeah.
[That would explain the wiry fellow's erratic behavior and suspiciously intense self-loathing, now wouldn't it.]
Connor's no good at keeping secrets like that.
[And never would have, if he had been sober and in a happy relationship.]
I'm surprised he lasted this long, considerin' how... Messed up he always gets.
I guess that makes him the shooting star.
[Murmured as if it's a distant memory, something that should be familiar, even though it sounds strange when uttered out loud.]
[All of that sends Jin's thoughts veering right back on track. How and why would someone as, well, wimpy as Connor get involved in a murder? And why their professor's husband? None of it adds up in a way that makes immediate sense, which... probably means that something had been very, very off.]
...Maybe it's a good thing, in the end. [he says at last.] Not that someone was killed, but that you never got really involved with whatever happened that night. Or with them.
[tbf all he did was throw up in the sink and cut up the body??? poor connor walsh he wanted in on this The Least
meanwhile the crybaby sniffling returns once more]
I just feel so stupid.
[said before rubbin his snotty lil button nose (it's a cute nose, tho, i think)]
I thought it was because of me.
[Maybe they were planning this from the start.
Wes was the killer, apparently, and he and Annalise had always been awfully close. Asher had joked about them being related, but as the semester went on, he was the student she'd been most keen on taking under her wing.]
I hurt myself because I thought nobody wanted me.
[That he was unworthy of any positive regard whatsoever.]
Well, fuck them. [he says, words firm, the hands sliding up Asher's arms gentle.] How the hell were you supposed to know they were trying to get away with murder?
People want you here, Ash. I want you here, I--
[Jin falters. Even now, the weakness in him, the doubt-- it's difficult to expose, a raw nerve.]
I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. Once all this is over, when we've handed Zymandis' asses to them, you don't even have to go back to those people.
[People who'd shut him out. People who would make him feel like nothing.]
Asher closes his eyes and hears another voice, sees a hazy image of red hair and long lashes, and hears a pirate whispering words that sounded familiar.
I would miss you-
He clings desperately to the very few moments in his life where people expressed a desire to have him around, as his overenthusiasm to be noticed or worthy or nurturing always seems to backfire.]
I dunno if I want to.
[He should be telling Jin how much he loves him.
That even though losing Kung Jin would be losing what felt like home in the first place, that it would destroy him entirely... The worst part about there being no more Jin would mean that the multiverse would lose one of it's greatest potential heroes.
A diamond in the rough, despite it's sharp and nasty edges.]
[It'd have been fine if Asher had been louder, riding the impulse and the implication of Jin's words. They'd go home together. Asher could meet his parents; Lao; his teammates. But even if Asher is technically agreeing, it's the hesitation in his reply that gives Jin pause, too.
What, exactly, has Jin just asked of him?
He presses his lips tightly together. He loves Asher more than anyone, but that doesn't make asking his boyfriend to leave everything he's ever known any less selfish. Slowly the fervor in him ebbs away. Jin leans into Asher, his forehead pressed against his shoulder.]
That was screwed up. I shouldn't have put you on the spot to make a choice like that.
My world sucks, Asher. We're on the brink of war every single day. It's just as bad as anything we dealt with on assignment with ALASTAIR, maybe even worse sometimes. I want you by my side, but how am I supposed to ask you to leave everything behind for that?
[Although his face is still buried in Asher's shoulder, Jin's laugh, muffled or not, is all too easy to pick out. He presses a kiss to Asher's collarbone, carefully wrapping his arms around him.]
I love you so much.
[There's nothing else left to say, or to do. Being able to hold him still is enough.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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This is the dance they often do, it is the first force that propelled them towards each other, and as sad and disappointed as he is in this moment, Asher enjoys it.]
They killed him, Jin.
[His world has fallen apart more than once, and this is the final straw. The white picket fences and ostentatious walls of his childhood home had come crumbling down in his father's study, and the tiny corner of campus that he had so desperately wanted to be his own, the classmates he wanted to be his family, they have been ruined too.
But when Jin touches him with the warmth of someone who loves him unconditionally, despite knowing every terrible thing he has ever done, Asher does not quite mind being broken.
It is in part what keeps the shaolin here, after all, and as ashamed as the law student might be to admit it, he likes being saved.]
And I was there, probably.
I was there that night, I went to yell at 'em, after the bonfire, I was drunk-
[He recalls how his knuckles hurt after throttling that door.]
Connor's car was in the driveway, but nobody answered.
[It happened then.
It happened then, and he had been powerless to stop it.
Just like all the other times...]
They were in there.
[A gulp.]
I'm sure.
no subject
[He can't help it. He's never been able to, not since the day they met. Asher, who'd risk life and limb if only to see him smile; Asher who would love him wholeheartedly and without qualification, maybe even more than he'd love himself-- is it any wonder that Jin would want to give his all to keep him safe, too? His fingers entwine with Asher's, meeting his eyes in a disbelieving stare.
A million questions swim through Jin's mind at once. He exhales heavily, free hand pulling his hair out of his eyes to drape over one of his shoulders. He could ask for motive. He could ask of the victim. Hell, he could ask for the details of the whole bloody business of the murder if he were remotely interested. But everything seems to spin away as Jin hones in on one discrete, horrifying realization:
It could've easily been Asher that night.
The thought terrifies him, and he grips Asher's hand tight, as if to reassure himself that the man he loves is in one piece.]
You're sure Connor wouldn't lie about this? [he murmurs, as low as if the man were feet away.
If he was able to help kill a man under Asher's nose, Jin's not so sure how much he can, or should, be trusted.]
no subject
Dying for Jin would require no second thought, he'd easily give his own life to ensure the other's survival.
For some reason, fear is not the strongest emotion he feels towards his classmates. He knows full well that Connor is someone he could easily best in combat, and judging from the bearded pretty boy's panicky attitude, the decision was not his to make.]
Yeah.
[That would explain the wiry fellow's erratic behavior and suspiciously intense self-loathing, now wouldn't it.]
Connor's no good at keeping secrets like that.
[And never would have, if he had been sober and in a happy relationship.]
I'm surprised he lasted this long, considerin' how... Messed up he always gets.
I guess that makes him the shooting star.
[Murmured as if it's a distant memory, something that should be familiar, even though it sounds strange when uttered out loud.]
no subject
...Maybe it's a good thing, in the end. [he says at last.] Not that someone was killed, but that you never got really involved with whatever happened that night. Or with them.
[At least that's one thing that's a relief.]
I'm just glad you didn't get hurt.
cw: self harm mention!
meanwhile the crybaby sniffling returns once more]
I just feel so stupid.
[said before rubbin his snotty lil button nose (it's a cute nose, tho, i think)]
I thought it was because of me.
[Maybe they were planning this from the start.
Wes was the killer, apparently, and he and Annalise had always been awfully close. Asher had joked about them being related, but as the semester went on, he was the student she'd been most keen on taking under her wing.]
I hurt myself because I thought nobody wanted me.
[That he was unworthy of any positive regard whatsoever.]
I'm an idiot.
no subject
People want you here, Ash. I want you here, I--
[Jin falters. Even now, the weakness in him, the doubt-- it's difficult to expose, a raw nerve.]
I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. Once all this is over, when we've handed Zymandis' asses to them, you don't even have to go back to those people.
[People who'd shut him out. People who would make him feel like nothing.]
no subject
Asher closes his eyes and hears another voice, sees a hazy image of red hair and long lashes, and hears a pirate whispering words that sounded familiar.
I would miss you-
He clings desperately to the very few moments in his life where people expressed a desire to have him around, as his overenthusiasm to be noticed or worthy or nurturing always seems to backfire.]
I dunno if I want to.
[He should be telling Jin how much he loves him.
That even though losing Kung Jin would be losing what felt like home in the first place, that it would destroy him entirely... The worst part about there being no more Jin would mean that the multiverse would lose one of it's greatest potential heroes.
A diamond in the rough, despite it's sharp and nasty edges.]
Could you give me some time to think about it?
no subject
[It'd have been fine if Asher had been louder, riding the impulse and the implication of Jin's words. They'd go home together. Asher could meet his parents; Lao; his teammates. But even if Asher is technically agreeing, it's the hesitation in his reply that gives Jin pause, too.
What, exactly, has Jin just asked of him?
He presses his lips tightly together. He loves Asher more than anyone, but that doesn't make asking his boyfriend to leave everything he's ever known any less selfish. Slowly the fervor in him ebbs away. Jin leans into Asher, his forehead pressed against his shoulder.]
That was screwed up. I shouldn't have put you on the spot to make a choice like that.
My world sucks, Asher. We're on the brink of war every single day. It's just as bad as anything we dealt with on assignment with ALASTAIR, maybe even worse sometimes. I want you by my side, but how am I supposed to ask you to leave everything behind for that?
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He is happy to be worth enough for Jin to be selfish.]
Okay, so, yeeaaah...
[A nervous laugh.]
Maybe your world sucks.
But it's got you in it.
[❤️]
And that'd make all the face-eating monsters n' crazy fires n' zombie invasions totally worth it for me.
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I love you so much.
[There's nothing else left to say, or to do. Being able to hold him still is enough.]
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I love you too.
[Maybe his world is terrible and he is terrible.
But things just don't have to be that way anymore.]
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My mom's gonna be so excited when she finds out I'm dating a white guy.
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[sdkjflaksj lkdjfl ajlksjldjlasjlfkjaslkjf???]
What?
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[not the daughter-in-law u were hoping for before u found out i was gay mom but he's better?????]
She'll love you. She would've anyway, 'cause you're you, but seriously. She will.
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Why do I have to be white?
[buddy u better count ur damn blessings that's about the only thing ur good at being]
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I think it's a status thing. It's hard to explain.
[just be happy u get to have a loving future mother-in-law snow whitey]
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whispers... sometimes white ppl... r worse]
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[Jin presses a kiss to his cheek... Asher is so cute when he is a confused baby deer... jin why are you like this]
We can think about all of that in the morning.
i will propERLY END THIS
G'night.