[Jin's stunned into silence. It's a heavy admission, one he's absolutely certain (especially now, knowing what Asher's only just learned) that Asher wouldn't drop without meaning it with all of his heart. But Asher's right. Kind of. And when Jin speaks, it's with a gentle tone.]
Hey. [They're still friends over everything. That, he hopes, isn't going to change. Jin reaches out to rest a hand on Asher's upper arm and rubs up and down reassuringly, a gesture he's made over and over again before all of this.] You're not a disaster.
[A beat.]
Okay, you're a little bit of a disaster, but who isn't? Anyway, that's not the issue here.
Asher. You know how long it took me to really be happy with who I was, and who I wanted to be with. I know I'm gay. I'm not yelling it from the rooftops, but I'm not ashamed of it, either. [He squeezes his arm, frowning.] I-- I really care about you too, okay? I do. But if you're so unsure of your own identity that you're freaking out this much... how d'you expect to date me?
I'm not gonna go back into the closet for you. I do deserve better than that.
So... I can't do this. I can't give you an answer. Not until you figure stuff out for yourself first.
You don't let yourself feel things. Every time something bad happens, you react in one of three ways: you get angry, you fight someone, or you say something hella rude out of spite.
I get it! You want to help people. That's a part of why I like you, man, it's why sometimes I can't stop thinking about you-
[why is he so honest set him on fire]
Listen. I don't think I'm in the position to suck your dick or anything, that's not what I'm saying-
[He utters that point blank, not as if he's disgusted by the idea of it, just stating that he isn't ready to have sex yet.]
But like, if you need something? If you feel sad or scared... Come talk to me! We'll do whatever. You can stay in my room, or I could try making you breakfast.
[first of all asher please dont make any kind of reference to your 'not currently dtf but will most definitely be dtf in the future' status, jin's eyebrows are like SHOOTING UP at that--]
[--but just as Asher knew full well that Jin's assessment was correct, he's been told enough times by Asher, and by others, to finally accept that he's also right. He's reckless. If he keeps at it, he's going to get hurt one day, worse than he already has been, and it's going to hurt the people who care about him that much more.
Jin's gaze falls. He focuses on the way that Asher's hand rests on top of his, the comforting feel of that contact.
He looks back up to meet Asher's eyes and smiles, tentatively, sheepishly.
Looks like they're both out of their depth here.]
Okay. If you want to do that for me... okay. Thank you.
I won't worry. I'm not-- [THAT'S A LIE JIN HE JUST ASKED YOU TO LET HIM TAKE CARE OF YOU] --fine, I was kinda worried, but I trust you. I know we're gonna stay good friends... whatever happens.
[All of that's definitely friendly behavior. Or something.]
And if you're ever wondering about sexuality things or anything like that, I'm always here. I know how this feels.
[Jin can't hold back the laughter that bubbles up at that.] Wow. What an honor.
[It's... freeing, to be so open with Asher. A great weight lifted out of him, even if it hadn't been anything like what either of them would've expected.
This is okay. It's the two of them, nameless but together, comfortable and safe and real.]
[As Asher begins leading him away, Jin suddenly stops him right before the door to the hallway outside opens, urging him to turn around with a touch to his arm.
He's hesitant, unsure if he's pushing too close to the edge of breaking this tenuous arrangement-not-relationship's rules. But, god-- he can't stop himself. He needs this. He wants Asher.]
One for the road.
[His hand holds him steady where he stands. Without another word, Jin presses a chaste, but slow, last kiss to Asher's lips.
Jin's smile is full of mischief, but there's something else he can't really describe that lingers quietly behind it. Longing, perhaps. Not quite that. Just like the two of them, he won't name it just yet.]
[Jin whirls him around and Asher almost panics, sure for a split second that his heart will fly out of his chest.
Ugh, it's agony, to feel Jin's lips against his mouth because he now can imagine where else they'd be on his body, that is, if the law student had his shit together.]
I hate you.
[He's going to take forever in the shower tonight, good god.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[asher please???]
I knew you were crazy from the start. But why are you crazy.
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You would think he was going to yell more, or say something cruel-]
I want to be your boyfriend, Jin.
[As hard as that was to say, the truth is finally out there.]
But I can't! I cant! Because I am a disaster.
[He presses a thumb and an index finger together spitting, practically.]
I am a living, breathing disaster of a human being.
[There is a pause as he takes a breath, and the anger cools, giving way to something far more sober.]
And you deserve better than that.
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Hey. [They're still friends over everything. That, he hopes, isn't going to change. Jin reaches out to rest a hand on Asher's upper arm and rubs up and down reassuringly, a gesture he's made over and over again before all of this.] You're not a disaster.
[A beat.]
Okay, you're a little bit of a disaster, but who isn't? Anyway, that's not the issue here.
Asher. You know how long it took me to really be happy with who I was, and who I wanted to be with. I know I'm gay. I'm not yelling it from the rooftops, but I'm not ashamed of it, either. [He squeezes his arm, frowning.] I-- I really care about you too, okay? I do. But if you're so unsure of your own identity that you're freaking out this much... how d'you expect to date me?
I'm not gonna go back into the closet for you. I do deserve better than that.
So... I can't do this. I can't give you an answer. Not until you figure stuff out for yourself first.
no subject
[Asher stares back at Jin with just that, uncertainty. As much as it pains him to hear it, Jin is right, he's right.
Still, he rests his own hand on top of the other's, massaging it tenderly.]
But do me a favor then, okay?
Maybe I can't be your boyfriend, not right now. But please, please, please-
[He shakes his head a few times.]
Let me take care of you.
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What?
[And he repeats it, because he still doesn't get it and maybe it'll make sense out of his own mouth--]
You want to take care of me?
1/?
2/2
[oh myyyyy god]
In the time that I have known you, you have almost gotten yourself killed not one, not two-
[u can practically see the steam blowing out of his ears]
But three times.
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Perdition's Rest was a high stakes assignment! Besides, there is no way I wouldn't have survived two out of three of those.
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[Asher grits his teeth here.]
You don't let yourself feel things. Every time something bad happens, you react in one of three ways: you get angry, you fight someone, or you say something hella rude out of spite.
I get it! You want to help people. That's a part of why I like you, man, it's why sometimes I can't stop thinking about you-
[why is he so honest set him on fire]
Listen. I don't think I'm in the position to suck your dick or anything, that's not what I'm saying-
[He utters that point blank, not as if he's disgusted by the idea of it, just stating that he isn't ready to have sex yet.]
But like, if you need something? If you feel sad or scared... Come talk to me! We'll do whatever. You can stay in my room, or I could try making you breakfast.
Shit like that. Let me do that. Alright?
1/2
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Jin's gaze falls. He focuses on the way that Asher's hand rests on top of his, the comforting feel of that contact.
He looks back up to meet Asher's eyes and smiles, tentatively, sheepishly.
Looks like they're both out of their depth here.]
Okay. If you want to do that for me... okay. Thank you.
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He removes Jin's hand from his arm, but holds it, tenderly.]
You're welcome, bud.
We're still friends, good friends, so don't worry, okay?
[Friends who kiss and hold hands sometimes.
And maybe spend the night together.]
I'll make sure you don't hurt yourself.
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[All of that's definitely friendly behavior. Or something.]
And if you're ever wondering about sexuality things or anything like that, I'm always here. I know how this feels.
ASLDKFJALSKJFALKDJF
Don't remind me.
[He lets go, waggling an index finger playfully as he picks up some laundry that's been left on the floor.]
Most of this is your fault.
[do u understand how many hours he's spent drooling over u lmao]
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[It's... freeing, to be so open with Asher. A great weight lifted out of him, even if it hadn't been anything like what either of them would've expected.
This is okay. It's the two of them, nameless but together, comfortable and safe and real.]
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[He shoves Jin's cheek out of the way.]
Or I'll kiss you again. Watch it.
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Is that the best you can do? You need to work on your threats.
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butt also. after a big dramatique sigh-]
Fine.
[Asher kisses Jin on the cheek.]
Have you had dinner?
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Nope. You?
[don't even bother asking, honestly: you know what his answer to this is going to be.]
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Then that is where we're going. C'mon.
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[As Asher begins leading him away, Jin suddenly stops him right before the door to the hallway outside opens, urging him to turn around with a touch to his arm.
He's hesitant, unsure if he's pushing too close to the edge of breaking this tenuous arrangement-not-relationship's rules. But, god-- he can't stop himself. He needs this. He wants Asher.]
One for the road.
[His hand holds him steady where he stands. Without another word, Jin presses a chaste, but slow, last kiss to Asher's lips.
Jin's smile is full of mischief, but there's something else he can't really describe that lingers quietly behind it. Longing, perhaps. Not quite that. Just like the two of them, he won't name it just yet.]
Okay... I'm good. Let's get something to eat.
1/2
*2/3
3/3
Ugh, it's agony, to feel Jin's lips against his mouth because he now can imagine where else they'd be on his body, that is, if the law student had his shit together.]
I hate you.
[He's going to take forever in the shower tonight, good god.
You know why.]
Let's go.