[Jin kisses him and Asher feels his mind go blank.
Fear gives way to pleasure, pleasure and comfort, because after years of lying to himself he's finally managed to lock lips with a boy and nothing bad happened. There is no yelling, no screaming, or disgust, just silence and privacy and contentment.
He returns the favor by wrapping strong arms around the monk's waist, arching his neck so that the other's hand travels up and over the back of his neck and into dark hair, soft and devoid of any product whatsoever.
One one hand, this is nightmarish. No matter what lies he tries to tell himself, he is deeply in love with the man who taught him how to fight and held him when he cried, and that's crazy. He's fucking crazy, and he knows it. But on the other hand, Jin needs him and wants him and cares for him too, and finally, fucking finally-]
Are you okay?
[He whispers, their faces still close as he edges away slowly.
Finally, Kung Jin has opened himself up to the possibility of being cared for by someone else.]
[For a moment Jin's afraid that Asher won't kiss him back. Everything is so new, all territory frighteningly untrod, because what the hell can you expect your best friend to do when you put yourself in his arms, wind your fingers in his hair? But there's no hesitation. Asher's lips are already moving against his. For the first time in months, his heart feels full, and everything feels like it's fallen properly into place.
Jin lets himself sink into Asher's embrace seamlessly, like he belongs there. As if he's always belonged there.
Separating feels like crashing back to earth. Or whiplash. Holy shit I just kissed Asher is kind of a lot to process when he'd stormed into the room expecting a very different interaction. So the first thing he says is breathed stubbornly:]
I wasn't lying.
[Gods, he wants to kiss him again. Maybe, Jin thinks, indulging his heart, if he kisses him again he'll stop worrying about the vital differences between 'love' and 'in love', because all that really matters is that Asher had needed and wanted and cared for him in the very same way. But reality has to return sometime. Somewhere, in the haze of joy and resolved emotion, the thought emerges at last.
Asher hadn't actually denied that he was straight. Not once. And it strikes him.
Is he the first guy Asher's ever kissed?]
Are you okay?
[Jin's fingers are still toying with the soft curls of Asher's hair: mainly to reassure Asher that he's still safe, that he's still here with him, but in part to hold himself at ease.]
[The hand in his hair earns Jin a dumb smile, a very goofy expression. Asher pulls no punches when he is in love, as he is not embarrassed or ashamed of the feelings themselves, especially behind closed doors. He craves affection in any shape or form, so knowing that the shaolin isn't ready to abandon him just yet is enough to make him a little more comfortable.]
Yeah.
[Reluctantly, almost, he takes those fingers in his own, the ones that were touching him.]
But the world didn't end, and...
You're still here, so. I'm alright.
[He just sounds so relieved.
Asher's gaze turns downward, towards the the knuckles he is caressing now. It's weird to be holding someone like this and for the skin to be rough instead of soft, but he doesn't really care, as this belongs to a person whose life he would give everything for without a second thought.
Slowly, he bends down to press a few kisses onto calloused palms, after toying with the other's wrist.]
[The honest, unabashed devotion in those small kisses is clear as day. It'd be flattering even if he hadn't spent the last few weeks-- months, really-- wondering whether or not Asher would ever touch him, want him. And here he is, kissing his lines in his palms like he's trying to commit them to memory.
His heart, momentarily forgetting the issue at hand, skips a beat.
But he has to think. He has to do something. The instinct of fight or flight's been soothed, for now, but Kung Jin has been here before many years ago. He remembers the safety of these closed doors. He remembers, just the same, the lack of it the second he stepped outside them.]
Good. I'm glad... [Jin wishes he didn't have to stop him. He gently squeezes Asher's hand back to call his attention back; when he looks up at Jin again, he'll be staring right into dark, deeply sober eyes.]
But are you okay with all of this, Asher? I'm pretty sure you're not gay. How can you... [No, that's not right. That's not all there is. Jin backtracks, and continues.] So you're bisexual?
[Jin's stunned into silence. It's a heavy admission, one he's absolutely certain (especially now, knowing what Asher's only just learned) that Asher wouldn't drop without meaning it with all of his heart. But Asher's right. Kind of. And when Jin speaks, it's with a gentle tone.]
Hey. [They're still friends over everything. That, he hopes, isn't going to change. Jin reaches out to rest a hand on Asher's upper arm and rubs up and down reassuringly, a gesture he's made over and over again before all of this.] You're not a disaster.
[A beat.]
Okay, you're a little bit of a disaster, but who isn't? Anyway, that's not the issue here.
Asher. You know how long it took me to really be happy with who I was, and who I wanted to be with. I know I'm gay. I'm not yelling it from the rooftops, but I'm not ashamed of it, either. [He squeezes his arm, frowning.] I-- I really care about you too, okay? I do. But if you're so unsure of your own identity that you're freaking out this much... how d'you expect to date me?
I'm not gonna go back into the closet for you. I do deserve better than that.
So... I can't do this. I can't give you an answer. Not until you figure stuff out for yourself first.
You don't let yourself feel things. Every time something bad happens, you react in one of three ways: you get angry, you fight someone, or you say something hella rude out of spite.
I get it! You want to help people. That's a part of why I like you, man, it's why sometimes I can't stop thinking about you-
[why is he so honest set him on fire]
Listen. I don't think I'm in the position to suck your dick or anything, that's not what I'm saying-
[He utters that point blank, not as if he's disgusted by the idea of it, just stating that he isn't ready to have sex yet.]
But like, if you need something? If you feel sad or scared... Come talk to me! We'll do whatever. You can stay in my room, or I could try making you breakfast.
[first of all asher please dont make any kind of reference to your 'not currently dtf but will most definitely be dtf in the future' status, jin's eyebrows are like SHOOTING UP at that--]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Fear gives way to pleasure, pleasure and comfort, because after years of lying to himself he's finally managed to lock lips with a boy and nothing bad happened. There is no yelling, no screaming, or disgust, just silence and privacy and contentment.
He returns the favor by wrapping strong arms around the monk's waist, arching his neck so that the other's hand travels up and over the back of his neck and into dark hair, soft and devoid of any product whatsoever.
One one hand, this is nightmarish. No matter what lies he tries to tell himself, he is deeply in love with the man who taught him how to fight and held him when he cried, and that's crazy. He's fucking crazy, and he knows it. But on the other hand, Jin needs him and wants him and cares for him too, and finally, fucking finally-]
Are you okay?
[He whispers, their faces still close as he edges away slowly.
Finally, Kung Jin has opened himself up to the possibility of being cared for by someone else.]
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Jin lets himself sink into Asher's embrace seamlessly, like he belongs there. As if he's always belonged there.
Separating feels like crashing back to earth. Or whiplash. Holy shit I just kissed Asher is kind of a lot to process when he'd stormed into the room expecting a very different interaction. So the first thing he says is breathed stubbornly:]
I wasn't lying.
[Gods, he wants to kiss him again. Maybe, Jin thinks, indulging his heart, if he kisses him again he'll stop worrying about the vital differences between 'love' and 'in love', because all that really matters is that Asher had needed and wanted and cared for him in the very same way. But reality has to return sometime. Somewhere, in the haze of joy and resolved emotion, the thought emerges at last.
Asher hadn't actually denied that he was straight. Not once. And it strikes him.
Is he the first guy Asher's ever kissed?]
Are you okay?
[Jin's fingers are still toying with the soft curls of Asher's hair: mainly to reassure Asher that he's still safe, that he's still here with him, but in part to hold himself at ease.]
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Yeah.
[Reluctantly, almost, he takes those fingers in his own, the ones that were touching him.]
But the world didn't end, and...
You're still here, so. I'm alright.
[He just sounds so relieved.
Asher's gaze turns downward, towards the the knuckles he is caressing now. It's weird to be holding someone like this and for the skin to be rough instead of soft, but he doesn't really care, as this belongs to a person whose life he would give everything for without a second thought.
Slowly, he bends down to press a few kisses onto calloused palms, after toying with the other's wrist.]
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His heart, momentarily forgetting the issue at hand, skips a beat.
But he has to think. He has to do something. The instinct of fight or flight's been soothed, for now, but Kung Jin has been here before many years ago. He remembers the safety of these closed doors. He remembers, just the same, the lack of it the second he stepped outside them.]
Good. I'm glad... [Jin wishes he didn't have to stop him. He gently squeezes Asher's hand back to call his attention back; when he looks up at Jin again, he'll be staring right into dark, deeply sober eyes.]
But are you okay with all of this, Asher? I'm pretty sure you're not gay. How can you... [No, that's not right. That's not all there is. Jin backtracks, and continues.] So you're bisexual?
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Soft brows press together in confusion.]
What is that, again?
[A very stupid question, but it explains some things, doesn't it?
How limited his scope has been.]
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It's where you're-- [He breaks off helplessly.]
No. No, no way. Tell me you're joking, Asher, please.
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[Fear bubbles back again, so much so that he squeezes Jin's hand hard, as if he's afraid the other will leave him.]
No, I'm not. I-
[He speaks quickly because he doesn't want the warrior to just run from here like all the others, and maybe that is selfish.]
I've heard it before, but I'm not sure I understand what it means.
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Someone who's bisexual is attracted to both men and women.
[And Jin pulls his hand away.] So I am the first man you've ever kissed? Asher.
What-- what do you want from me? For us?
1/?
This image describes, perfectly, everything that is going through his head right now]
You can like both?
2/?
That is, before he clasps his hands together over his mouth, then removing them to address Jin.]
Excuse me. Could you give me a minute? I'll be right back.
[With little warning, he walks into the bathroom, locking the door-]
3/3
LORD
You're telling me you kissed me and didn't even know you could like both?! ASHER.
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This explains so much.
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[this is so fucking hopeless. there's a softer thump on the other side of the door, because Jin's just smacked his forehead against it in defeat.]
Get out of there. We're talking about this.
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Fine. Fine!
You really wanna know what I want? Because, it's crazy. I'm crazy.
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[asher please???]
I knew you were crazy from the start. But why are you crazy.
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You would think he was going to yell more, or say something cruel-]
I want to be your boyfriend, Jin.
[As hard as that was to say, the truth is finally out there.]
But I can't! I cant! Because I am a disaster.
[He presses a thumb and an index finger together spitting, practically.]
I am a living, breathing disaster of a human being.
[There is a pause as he takes a breath, and the anger cools, giving way to something far more sober.]
And you deserve better than that.
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Hey. [They're still friends over everything. That, he hopes, isn't going to change. Jin reaches out to rest a hand on Asher's upper arm and rubs up and down reassuringly, a gesture he's made over and over again before all of this.] You're not a disaster.
[A beat.]
Okay, you're a little bit of a disaster, but who isn't? Anyway, that's not the issue here.
Asher. You know how long it took me to really be happy with who I was, and who I wanted to be with. I know I'm gay. I'm not yelling it from the rooftops, but I'm not ashamed of it, either. [He squeezes his arm, frowning.] I-- I really care about you too, okay? I do. But if you're so unsure of your own identity that you're freaking out this much... how d'you expect to date me?
I'm not gonna go back into the closet for you. I do deserve better than that.
So... I can't do this. I can't give you an answer. Not until you figure stuff out for yourself first.
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[Asher stares back at Jin with just that, uncertainty. As much as it pains him to hear it, Jin is right, he's right.
Still, he rests his own hand on top of the other's, massaging it tenderly.]
But do me a favor then, okay?
Maybe I can't be your boyfriend, not right now. But please, please, please-
[He shakes his head a few times.]
Let me take care of you.
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What?
[And he repeats it, because he still doesn't get it and maybe it'll make sense out of his own mouth--]
You want to take care of me?
1/?
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[oh myyyyy god]
In the time that I have known you, you have almost gotten yourself killed not one, not two-
[u can practically see the steam blowing out of his ears]
But three times.
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Perdition's Rest was a high stakes assignment! Besides, there is no way I wouldn't have survived two out of three of those.
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[Asher grits his teeth here.]
You don't let yourself feel things. Every time something bad happens, you react in one of three ways: you get angry, you fight someone, or you say something hella rude out of spite.
I get it! You want to help people. That's a part of why I like you, man, it's why sometimes I can't stop thinking about you-
[why is he so honest set him on fire]
Listen. I don't think I'm in the position to suck your dick or anything, that's not what I'm saying-
[He utters that point blank, not as if he's disgusted by the idea of it, just stating that he isn't ready to have sex yet.]
But like, if you need something? If you feel sad or scared... Come talk to me! We'll do whatever. You can stay in my room, or I could try making you breakfast.
Shit like that. Let me do that. Alright?
1/2
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ASLDKFJALSKJFALKDJF
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*2/3
3/3