Closing his eyes, he tries to quiet the screaming in his head, but it doesn't work. A part of him has known, for a good 3 or 4 months now, that Kung Jin is one of the most important people he has ever met. Strong, confident, but so imperfectly perfect, a man whose bitterness and solitude drew him in when it should have pushed him away. Sometimes the meanest people are the ones who hurt most of all, so much that they build walls around their hearts to keep anything from breaking them.
And then there are fools who try to scale those walls, fools like Asher Millstone.]
The words take a couple more times to cycle through his mind, like they're a language he's never heard before-- I like you, Jin, so far from the realm of plausibility that he can barely note them as words at all.
I like you.]
You...
[A lot.
Either he's hallucinating sounds that aren't there or he's finally snapped, hearing what he's hoped for impossibly for weeks and weeks, but at the worst possible moment. Jin blinks helplessly, and the anger is gone out of him. He's too struck to be upset. For a few more moments.]
[The clarification's ridiculous, but it helps. Jin's arms hang, suddenly limp, at his sides as he searches Asher's face, too. Not a joke. No room for any other interpretation. This is real.
Of course this is what he would've wanted to hear. What he'd wished for, even if he doubted it could ever be the truth.
Why the hell isn't he happy that his own feelings have been answered?]
You just said you thought guys were disgusting. I didn't think... [His mind's going a mile a minute. How is this happening? Why is it happening now, of all times?]
Is this new? [His voice picks up, just a little, desperate for something to make sense--] How long, Asher?
[And then Jin says that without rejecting him outright.
Suddenly it dawns on him. Oh god, oh god, of fucking course Jin was ready to tear into him the minute he stepped in his room? That must have been what did it, on top of every other stupid thing that flew out of his mouth. Loki's enchantingly pretty face already makes him confused enough to pour gasoline into a cereal bowl, and it didn't help that he just kept talking in the pathetic hope that he wouldn't be found out.
Great going, Millstone. You're a dumbass.]
Oh no. Oh no, no, no.
[He inhales sharply, covering his mouth with his hands.]
Oh my god. No wonder you're so pissed at me.
[His dig at the poor hygiene of the men he'd voluntarily agreed to be around in the hope of obtaining something that resembled friendship was mistaken for a jab at men in general, at people who might have loved them.
Everything starts to fall into place, and all the layers of confusion begin unfolding as the misunderstanding clears. Of course Asher said something stupid enough, at the worst possible time, that he'd have take it this badly. He's still not off the hook for everything else, of course, but... sense has returned, hasn't it? Sort of? With the exception of the fact that Asher's apparently got feelings for him.
Jin runs a hand over his face. He doesn't know how to feel any more-- save for relieved. He even manages a quiet, disbelieving laugh.]
You're such a fucking idiot. Of course I got pissed at you for that! [Exasperated, yes, but the earlier rage hasn't resurfaced.] You've spent ages yelling about how much you aren't into guys to anybody who'll listen, why wouldn't I have mistaken it for more of that? I mean, why do you think it took me so long to tell you I was gay?
[And that realization is enough to give Jin pause. Asher has been a good friend, a (mostly) decent ally, but... this development is something new entirely. He stops, hesitant once more.
Asher wouldn't invent his feelings. He knows him too well: his friend wears his heart clearly upon his sleeve. But it's still possible that he's projecting something that isn't this, or curious and Jin happened to be the first gay guy he happened upon, or--
really, without whatever worst case scenario horrible catch Jin is imagining... into men, too? maybe.] You didn't answer my question.
[What Jin doesn't know is that there are others. Granted, Asher's relationship with Connor is pretty rocky, and his bizarre fascination with the bearded lawyer's sex life has been strange, to say the least. Perhaps it stems from a place of envy, from knowing somewhere deep down that Connor at the very heart of things has the confidence to be himself in that regard, while Asher is still learning just who he really is.
He opens his mouth first to apologize, to reassure. Because in all the time they've known each other, he's felt the most happiness in a few instances: Knowing that he is Jin's closest friend, knowing that he can make Jin laugh, and knowing that he can soothe Jin's temper.
He's not really sure what his next answer will do.]
A while, bro.
[Because someone like Jin would never-]
But it's cool, whatever. I know I'm not your type.
[And here Asher snaps a little, even though a part of him knows he has no right.]
You don't have to.
[He should know better, but this is what people who hate themselves do. Jin's arms felt so comforting that night he broke down, but in his mind he only suspects that the other did all of that because he's a good person, a good friend.
A hero.
He didn't once think it was because Jin may have returned his affections.]
I've seen the kinds of guys you flirt with over the network.
[Though it strikes him: has Asher been concerned with this long enough that he's seen all of that and actually paid attention? Moreover, that he's cared enough to sound genuinely wounded by it?]
That was just messing around. It really didn't mean anything. You, on the other hand...
[He swallows the lump in his throat, and drops his own admission at last.]
I assumed you were straight. But I was always scared you'd... figure out how I felt about you too.
[He doesn't deny the whole Straight thing, unfortunately. It was hard enough admitting that he liked Jin, like hell he's gonna come right out and say he likes men when he isn't even sure if he likes them the way he does women. he does tho lmf
Instead, he remains confused. Not horrified, confused.
[Enough to kiss you on the forehead while you slept. Enough to still have you in my head when I was kissing someone else.
He can't help but to laugh, ducking his head a little. Who'd have guessed, huh? The circumstances aren't ideal, and the timing's not right-- even in his wildest dreams there was no way, with the two of them, it'd work out perfectly, anyway.]
The same as you, obviously. For a while, too.
[But he also assumed he'd be more enthusiastic. No matter how much he wants Asher, they're still friends. All of this stands on uneven ground when neither of them had very many of those to speak of in the first place.]
[Oh no, there's that laugh again, the pleasant one that makes his heart skip a beat.
Jin looks so cute when he smiles, and Asher knows that he doesn't smile often. Is it selfish? To want to make him smile like that even more?
Probably. He knows that if he stole a glance at someone else getting Jin to grin that wide, another boy... He'd be incredibly jealous.]
Huh?
[His brain shuts off momentarily.
Jin may be feeling a sudden uneasiness, but Asher is currently in the midst of an emotional wildfire. It had somehow not occurred to him that the other could have feelings for him too, because Asher has never really seen them as people who stand at the same level, not one bit.
If this were home maybe things would have been different. He's no Connor Walsh or Frank Delfino, but he's decent looking by his own world's standards, especially when his fashion game is on point. But being here has taken even that from him, as it is difficult not to compare himself to people who look as though they've been sculpted from the finest of molds. What does he even have, that Jin would love?]
If you're lying to me-
[Here he gets frighteningly close, bitter, petulant, angry-]
I'm kicking you out. You better not be shitting me, right now.
[Asher suddenly sinks into doubt, nearly snapping at him. Jin's taken aback, then fully annoyed, prepared to bite back-- him, lie--
And at last the rush of emotion takes him. Because all of this is real.
It's only sunk in completely now, with the disbelief having fully flowed through them both. He'd known, conceptually, in theory, that Asher was actually confessing his feelings for him, he'd logically stood there and heard every word. But it was that doubt that'd kicked whatever idiotic delayed reaction in him aside. Maybe he'd believed, in some ugly part of himself, that at the last minute Asher would pull away, grinning toothily: all a joke, all back to normal. And yet, if Asher cared enough to be hurt, to think that Jin could feasibly lie...
How could Jin lie about something like this? How deeply he cares for Asher?
The world around him, Asher's room, seems to fade at the edges. All he sees is Asher's face, the pain in it, and all he hears is the sound of his own blood rushing in his ears.
If he makes this next move, it'll ruin everything they have. The peace. Their friendship. Trying anything stupid right now is a bad idea.
Fortunately, Kung Jin has always been pretty fond of bad ideas.
Jin wraps a hand around the base of his neck and kisses him, leaning forward into Asher's body.]
[Jin kisses him and Asher feels his mind go blank.
Fear gives way to pleasure, pleasure and comfort, because after years of lying to himself he's finally managed to lock lips with a boy and nothing bad happened. There is no yelling, no screaming, or disgust, just silence and privacy and contentment.
He returns the favor by wrapping strong arms around the monk's waist, arching his neck so that the other's hand travels up and over the back of his neck and into dark hair, soft and devoid of any product whatsoever.
One one hand, this is nightmarish. No matter what lies he tries to tell himself, he is deeply in love with the man who taught him how to fight and held him when he cried, and that's crazy. He's fucking crazy, and he knows it. But on the other hand, Jin needs him and wants him and cares for him too, and finally, fucking finally-]
Are you okay?
[He whispers, their faces still close as he edges away slowly.
Finally, Kung Jin has opened himself up to the possibility of being cared for by someone else.]
[For a moment Jin's afraid that Asher won't kiss him back. Everything is so new, all territory frighteningly untrod, because what the hell can you expect your best friend to do when you put yourself in his arms, wind your fingers in his hair? But there's no hesitation. Asher's lips are already moving against his. For the first time in months, his heart feels full, and everything feels like it's fallen properly into place.
Jin lets himself sink into Asher's embrace seamlessly, like he belongs there. As if he's always belonged there.
Separating feels like crashing back to earth. Or whiplash. Holy shit I just kissed Asher is kind of a lot to process when he'd stormed into the room expecting a very different interaction. So the first thing he says is breathed stubbornly:]
I wasn't lying.
[Gods, he wants to kiss him again. Maybe, Jin thinks, indulging his heart, if he kisses him again he'll stop worrying about the vital differences between 'love' and 'in love', because all that really matters is that Asher had needed and wanted and cared for him in the very same way. But reality has to return sometime. Somewhere, in the haze of joy and resolved emotion, the thought emerges at last.
Asher hadn't actually denied that he was straight. Not once. And it strikes him.
Is he the first guy Asher's ever kissed?]
Are you okay?
[Jin's fingers are still toying with the soft curls of Asher's hair: mainly to reassure Asher that he's still safe, that he's still here with him, but in part to hold himself at ease.]
[The hand in his hair earns Jin a dumb smile, a very goofy expression. Asher pulls no punches when he is in love, as he is not embarrassed or ashamed of the feelings themselves, especially behind closed doors. He craves affection in any shape or form, so knowing that the shaolin isn't ready to abandon him just yet is enough to make him a little more comfortable.]
Yeah.
[Reluctantly, almost, he takes those fingers in his own, the ones that were touching him.]
But the world didn't end, and...
You're still here, so. I'm alright.
[He just sounds so relieved.
Asher's gaze turns downward, towards the the knuckles he is caressing now. It's weird to be holding someone like this and for the skin to be rough instead of soft, but he doesn't really care, as this belongs to a person whose life he would give everything for without a second thought.
Slowly, he bends down to press a few kisses onto calloused palms, after toying with the other's wrist.]
[The honest, unabashed devotion in those small kisses is clear as day. It'd be flattering even if he hadn't spent the last few weeks-- months, really-- wondering whether or not Asher would ever touch him, want him. And here he is, kissing his lines in his palms like he's trying to commit them to memory.
His heart, momentarily forgetting the issue at hand, skips a beat.
But he has to think. He has to do something. The instinct of fight or flight's been soothed, for now, but Kung Jin has been here before many years ago. He remembers the safety of these closed doors. He remembers, just the same, the lack of it the second he stepped outside them.]
Good. I'm glad... [Jin wishes he didn't have to stop him. He gently squeezes Asher's hand back to call his attention back; when he looks up at Jin again, he'll be staring right into dark, deeply sober eyes.]
But are you okay with all of this, Asher? I'm pretty sure you're not gay. How can you... [No, that's not right. That's not all there is. Jin backtracks, and continues.] So you're bisexual?
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Closing his eyes, he tries to quiet the screaming in his head, but it doesn't work. A part of him has known, for a good 3 or 4 months now, that Kung Jin is one of the most important people he has ever met. Strong, confident, but so imperfectly perfect, a man whose bitterness and solitude drew him in when it should have pushed him away. Sometimes the meanest people are the ones who hurt most of all, so much that they build walls around their hearts to keep anything from breaking them.
And then there are fools who try to scale those walls, fools like Asher Millstone.]
I like you, Jin.
[Holy shit.
He let it slip.]
I like you a lot.
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The words take a couple more times to cycle through his mind, like they're a language he's never heard before-- I like you, Jin, so far from the realm of plausibility that he can barely note them as words at all.
I like you.]
You...
[A lot.
Either he's hallucinating sounds that aren't there or he's finally snapped, hearing what he's hoped for impossibly for weeks and weeks, but at the worst possible moment. Jin blinks helplessly, and the anger is gone out of him. He's too struck to be upset. For a few more moments.]
What?
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He can't see anything. No anger, no fear, nothing.
Is that better or worse? He's not sure.
Leaning against the wall, he lets out a haggard breath. Think, think, think, what words can he say to keep from sounding crazy-]
I have feelings for you.
[He speaks the words like he is broken.]
And they're not just friendly.
[Jin has heard this come out of his mouth time and time again, but when he utters it this time, it's as though he is empty.]
I'm sorry.
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[The clarification's ridiculous, but it helps. Jin's arms hang, suddenly limp, at his sides as he searches Asher's face, too. Not a joke. No room for any other interpretation. This is real.
Of course this is what he would've wanted to hear. What he'd wished for, even if he doubted it could ever be the truth.
Why the hell isn't he happy that his own feelings have been answered?]
You just said you thought guys were disgusting. I didn't think... [His mind's going a mile a minute. How is this happening? Why is it happening now, of all times?]
Is this new? [His voice picks up, just a little, desperate for something to make sense--] How long, Asher?
1/?
[Asher speaks quickly, his tone returning to something far more normal.]
No, I meant like, you know how some dudes won't effing shower even though they smell like shit-
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Suddenly it dawns on him. Oh god, oh god, of fucking course Jin was ready to tear into him the minute he stepped in his room? That must have been what did it, on top of every other stupid thing that flew out of his mouth. Loki's enchantingly pretty face already makes him confused enough to pour gasoline into a cereal bowl, and it didn't help that he just kept talking in the pathetic hope that he wouldn't be found out.
Great going, Millstone. You're a dumbass.]
Oh no. Oh no, no, no.
[He inhales sharply, covering his mouth with his hands.]
Oh my god. No wonder you're so pissed at me.
[His dig at the poor hygiene of the men he'd voluntarily agreed to be around in the hope of obtaining something that resembled friendship was mistaken for a jab at men in general, at people who might have loved them.
Like Jin and Loki.]
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Everything starts to fall into place, and all the layers of confusion begin unfolding as the misunderstanding clears. Of course Asher said something stupid enough, at the worst possible time, that he'd have take it this badly. He's still not off the hook for everything else, of course, but... sense has returned, hasn't it? Sort of? With the exception of the fact that Asher's apparently got feelings for him.
Jin runs a hand over his face. He doesn't know how to feel any more-- save for relieved. He even manages a quiet, disbelieving laugh.]
You're such a fucking idiot. Of course I got pissed at you for that! [Exasperated, yes, but the earlier rage hasn't resurfaced.] You've spent ages yelling about how much you aren't into guys to anybody who'll listen, why wouldn't I have mistaken it for more of that? I mean, why do you think it took me so long to tell you I was gay?
[And that realization is enough to give Jin pause. Asher has been a good friend, a (mostly) decent ally, but... this development is something new entirely. He stops, hesitant once more.
Asher wouldn't invent his feelings. He knows him too well: his friend wears his heart clearly upon his sleeve. But it's still possible that he's projecting something that isn't this, or curious and Jin happened to be the first gay guy he happened upon, or--
really, without whatever worst case scenario horrible catch Jin is imagining... into men, too? maybe.] You didn't answer my question.
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He opens his mouth first to apologize, to reassure. Because in all the time they've known each other, he's felt the most happiness in a few instances: Knowing that he is Jin's closest friend, knowing that he can make Jin laugh, and knowing that he can soothe Jin's temper.
He's not really sure what his next answer will do.]
A while, bro.
[Because someone like Jin would never-]
But it's cool, whatever. I know I'm not your type.
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He's not so sure what this answer's going to do, either.]
I never said that.
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You don't have to.
[He should know better, but this is what people who hate themselves do. Jin's arms felt so comforting that night he broke down, but in his mind he only suspects that the other did all of that because he's a good person, a good friend.
A hero.
He didn't once think it was because Jin may have returned his affections.]
I've seen the kinds of guys you flirt with over the network.
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No, Asher. You've got it all wrong.
[Though it strikes him: has Asher been concerned with this long enough that he's seen all of that and actually paid attention? Moreover, that he's cared enough to sound genuinely wounded by it?]
That was just messing around. It really didn't mean anything. You, on the other hand...
[He swallows the lump in his throat, and drops his own admission at last.]
I assumed you were straight. But I was always scared you'd... figure out how I felt about you too.
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[He doesn't deny the whole Straight thing, unfortunately. It was hard enough admitting that he liked Jin, like hell he's gonna come right out and say he likes men when he isn't even sure if he likes them the way he does women.
he does tho lmfInstead, he remains confused. Not horrified, confused.
As if Jin just told him that pigs could fly.]
What do you mean? How you feel...
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He can't help but to laugh, ducking his head a little. Who'd have guessed, huh? The circumstances aren't ideal, and the timing's not right-- even in his wildest dreams there was no way, with the two of them, it'd work out perfectly, anyway.]
The same as you, obviously. For a while, too.
[But he also assumed he'd be more enthusiastic. No matter how much he wants Asher, they're still friends. All of this stands on uneven ground when neither of them had very many of those to speak of in the first place.]
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Jin looks so cute when he smiles, and Asher knows that he doesn't smile often. Is it selfish? To want to make him smile like that even more?
Probably. He knows that if he stole a glance at someone else getting Jin to grin that wide, another boy... He'd be incredibly jealous.]
Huh?
[His brain shuts off momentarily.
Jin may be feeling a sudden uneasiness, but Asher is currently in the midst of an emotional wildfire. It had somehow not occurred to him that the other could have feelings for him too, because Asher has never really seen them as people who stand at the same level, not one bit.
If this were home maybe things would have been different. He's no Connor Walsh or Frank Delfino, but he's decent looking by his own world's standards, especially when his fashion game is on point. But being here has taken even that from him, as it is difficult not to compare himself to people who look as though they've been sculpted from the finest of molds. What does he even have, that Jin would love?]
If you're lying to me-
[Here he gets frighteningly close, bitter, petulant, angry-]
I'm kicking you out. You better not be shitting me, right now.
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And at last the rush of emotion takes him. Because all of this is real.
It's only sunk in completely now, with the disbelief having fully flowed through them both. He'd known, conceptually, in theory, that Asher was actually confessing his feelings for him, he'd logically stood there and heard every word. But it was that doubt that'd kicked whatever idiotic delayed reaction in him aside. Maybe he'd believed, in some ugly part of himself, that at the last minute Asher would pull away, grinning toothily: all a joke, all back to normal. And yet, if Asher cared enough to be hurt, to think that Jin could feasibly lie...
How could Jin lie about something like this? How deeply he cares for Asher?
The world around him, Asher's room, seems to fade at the edges. All he sees is Asher's face, the pain in it, and all he hears is the sound of his own blood rushing in his ears.
If he makes this next move, it'll ruin everything they have. The peace. Their friendship. Trying anything stupid right now is a bad idea.
Fortunately, Kung Jin has always been pretty fond of bad ideas.
Jin wraps a hand around the base of his neck and kisses him, leaning forward into Asher's body.]
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Fear gives way to pleasure, pleasure and comfort, because after years of lying to himself he's finally managed to lock lips with a boy and nothing bad happened. There is no yelling, no screaming, or disgust, just silence and privacy and contentment.
He returns the favor by wrapping strong arms around the monk's waist, arching his neck so that the other's hand travels up and over the back of his neck and into dark hair, soft and devoid of any product whatsoever.
One one hand, this is nightmarish. No matter what lies he tries to tell himself, he is deeply in love with the man who taught him how to fight and held him when he cried, and that's crazy. He's fucking crazy, and he knows it. But on the other hand, Jin needs him and wants him and cares for him too, and finally, fucking finally-]
Are you okay?
[He whispers, their faces still close as he edges away slowly.
Finally, Kung Jin has opened himself up to the possibility of being cared for by someone else.]
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Jin lets himself sink into Asher's embrace seamlessly, like he belongs there. As if he's always belonged there.
Separating feels like crashing back to earth. Or whiplash. Holy shit I just kissed Asher is kind of a lot to process when he'd stormed into the room expecting a very different interaction. So the first thing he says is breathed stubbornly:]
I wasn't lying.
[Gods, he wants to kiss him again. Maybe, Jin thinks, indulging his heart, if he kisses him again he'll stop worrying about the vital differences between 'love' and 'in love', because all that really matters is that Asher had needed and wanted and cared for him in the very same way. But reality has to return sometime. Somewhere, in the haze of joy and resolved emotion, the thought emerges at last.
Asher hadn't actually denied that he was straight. Not once. And it strikes him.
Is he the first guy Asher's ever kissed?]
Are you okay?
[Jin's fingers are still toying with the soft curls of Asher's hair: mainly to reassure Asher that he's still safe, that he's still here with him, but in part to hold himself at ease.]
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Yeah.
[Reluctantly, almost, he takes those fingers in his own, the ones that were touching him.]
But the world didn't end, and...
You're still here, so. I'm alright.
[He just sounds so relieved.
Asher's gaze turns downward, towards the the knuckles he is caressing now. It's weird to be holding someone like this and for the skin to be rough instead of soft, but he doesn't really care, as this belongs to a person whose life he would give everything for without a second thought.
Slowly, he bends down to press a few kisses onto calloused palms, after toying with the other's wrist.]
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His heart, momentarily forgetting the issue at hand, skips a beat.
But he has to think. He has to do something. The instinct of fight or flight's been soothed, for now, but Kung Jin has been here before many years ago. He remembers the safety of these closed doors. He remembers, just the same, the lack of it the second he stepped outside them.]
Good. I'm glad... [Jin wishes he didn't have to stop him. He gently squeezes Asher's hand back to call his attention back; when he looks up at Jin again, he'll be staring right into dark, deeply sober eyes.]
But are you okay with all of this, Asher? I'm pretty sure you're not gay. How can you... [No, that's not right. That's not all there is. Jin backtracks, and continues.] So you're bisexual?
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Soft brows press together in confusion.]
What is that, again?
[A very stupid question, but it explains some things, doesn't it?
How limited his scope has been.]
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It's where you're-- [He breaks off helplessly.]
No. No, no way. Tell me you're joking, Asher, please.
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[Fear bubbles back again, so much so that he squeezes Jin's hand hard, as if he's afraid the other will leave him.]
No, I'm not. I-
[He speaks quickly because he doesn't want the warrior to just run from here like all the others, and maybe that is selfish.]
I've heard it before, but I'm not sure I understand what it means.
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Someone who's bisexual is attracted to both men and women.
[And Jin pulls his hand away.] So I am the first man you've ever kissed? Asher.
What-- what do you want from me? For us?
1/?
This image describes, perfectly, everything that is going through his head right now]
You can like both?
2/?
That is, before he clasps his hands together over his mouth, then removing them to address Jin.]
Excuse me. Could you give me a minute? I'll be right back.
[With little warning, he walks into the bathroom, locking the door-]
3/3
LORD
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ASLDKFJALSKJFALKDJF
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